Behind The Nursery Door

BEHIND THE NURSERY DOOR : The adventures of two rather tired Au Pairs and one rather errant but lovable Bad Bunny

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Bad Bunny: "I'm all out of love...Oprah"

Bad Bunny, in an attempt to share his displeasure at being snubbed by the much celebrated Oprah Winfrey on her lauded visit to our fair shores, would like to share with you, his loyal and devoted fans, 10 good reasons to boycott all that is Oprah.

  1. Oprah is unmarried, although appears to have some sort of “arrangement” with a gentleman by the name of Stedman. To string said gentleman along, without any thought or concern as to a commitment of traditional convention is for all intents and purposes just plain cruel. (At least that is what it said on the cover of one of those very reputable "ladies" magazines that Au Pair Shannon buys)
  2. Oprah has a very strange fascination with celebrities (I find it difficult to use the artistic term “actors” for their ilk) of the caliber of Tom Cruise, Nicole Kidman and Jennifer Lopez. And yet, she can not even deign to respond to my many letters of devotion to her, nor understand that I am cut from a cloth far superior, and indeed talented than aforementioned celebrities. (Simple old fashioned manners go along way you know.)
  3. Oprah appears to have some sort of voodoo-like power over ladies all over the world. I fear that watching her show puts them into some strange trancelike state, during which she can brainwash them into making her the cult she has become, and thus contributing to her ever growing wealth and power. ( I know this because of the way Au Pair Jennine is transfixed to the TV everyday at 1:00pm. I even caught her reading that "Power of Now" book. New Age dribble no doubt.)
  4. I find it terribly disturbing (and Nanny would say “vulgar”) that anyone would give a nickname to their most personal of parts. (Although I have no idea what part of the body Vejayjay belongs to but I am presuming it is part of the digestive system...I just don't get it.)
  5. Anyone of any knowledge and class knows that Australians do not, in actual fact, mutter the utterance “G’day”. And, indeed, anyone with an American accent should at no time in their life attempt to mimic it. And yes, Oprah, that includes you.
  6. No-one in their right mind has ever seen the film “Beloved” in which Oprah “starred”.
  7. Oprah’s relationship with Dr Phil, although both deny vehemently any hanky panky, is questionable. Why on earth would anyone, unless blinded by lust, give that man his own show. (Once again I got this out of one of those bastions of truth that is published weekly for "ladies")
  8. Not content with brainwashing the fairest gender globally with her syndicated show, Oprah insisted on entering the world of publishing with “O” magazine, thus further spouting her “wisdoms”. Why she feels the world needs more of her opinion is beyond me. (Check out my Facebook page Oprah....see who has the most followers. Hey? Who's a popular Bunny now!)
  9. Everyone knows wearing shoes with red soles is a blatant display of wealth, and blatant displays of wealth is just plain rude. (Having said that Au Pair Shannon does seem to turn green every time you wear a pair and nonchalantly flash the sole on your TV show)
  10. Lastly, Oprah just doesn’t know the meaning of friendship. Ok, her and Gayle are clearly close, but so were we, I thought, and to be so callously dismissed in the manner portrayed by her can only lead me to believe that true friendship is not a value she holds dear. (I've written to Gayle to warn her that she too may be discarded like last weeks on set couch.)
Disclaimer: Just in case, Oprah, you did not get my letters and gifts that I so lovingly sent to you the above is merely the rantings of a Bunny scorned and misunderstood. I know we will always be good friends but what you need to understand is that I am also quite close to Ellen so you never know she and I might just be BBF's (Best Bunny Freinds) one day instead.

Monday, October 18, 2010

An Ode to Au Pair Shannon by Au Pair Jennine

Au Pair Shannon is the design genius behind Nanny Pickle. Au Pair Shannon actually gave "birth" to Nanny Pickle...the brand, not the person. Being relatively reclusive when it comes to social media and marketing, we, The Nursery Staff, thought it a good idea to shed some light on this very talented lady...
  1. Au Pair Shannon is a very well read lady. She knows her ampersand from her Oxford comma and heaven help you if you make a spelling mistake. Although she tries not to show it, she finds poor grammar to be as excruciatingly painful as putting on a bike helmet full of bees.
  2. Au Pair Shannon has won many an award for her graphic design work but still doubts her abilities. We are hoping that she overcomes this self doubt now that her beautiful designs are to be distributed over Europe.
  3. Au Pair Shannon loves to tell people that she is more like Nanny Pickle than anyone else in The Nursery. Little do people know that she once wore blue eye shadow as blush in the late 80's...something I am sure Nanny would never have done.
  4. Au Pair Shannon is so very very, very tidy. Although she never says anything I am sure she shudders at the sight of my desk with all of it's paper piled up as if I am attempting to build a to scale model of The Leaning Tower of Pisa. Not to mention the plethora of cords and plain old general mess that my office seems to magically breed. Of course, Au Pair Shannon's desk is spotless and does not even have a pen holder over flowing with 100 pens that do not work. Instead she keeps one pen, in working order,  and a small pencil case concealed in her top drawer.
  5. Au Pair Shannon can not walk around The Nursery without shoes on. She can not tolerate, even for a moment, the feeling of dirt under her feet....yet she loves the beach. We fear this may have come from the time Bad Bunny carpeted her office in fairy floss that he had saved up from the local Spring Fair.
  6. Au Pair Shannon is a very good cook. The yummiest thing she has ever made for me (and there has been many a delectable morsel prepared and consumed) was a divine meal of Bangalow Pork done with stuffed peaches. If someone asked me what my top ten meals of all time were this one would rate right up there.
  7. Au Pair Shannon is very kind and generous and although she says she is not good with people in general, I feel that this is just code for not wanting to draw attention to herself.
  8.  Au Pair Shannon's dream job would be to be a yoga instructor. She is a very bendy and fit type of person. I once saw a surfing and yoga safari holiday for ladies advertised. Excitedly I told her all about it. Her reply "Do you not think we spend enough time together?" To which we both laughed raucously out loud to. We do spend a great deal of time together and then when we are not in the same room,  we are generally on the phone to each other.
  9. Au Pair Shannon loves talk back radio...just like my Mum did. I am very glad she has her own design studio.
  10. Au Pair Shannon is a very good singer. Click here to experience for yourself.
  Fig 1: Au Pair Shannon in her natural state.

PS: We were going to write the above as rhyming prose but we could not find a word that rhymed with yoga...there is of course toga but we were banned from revealing Au Pair Shannon's antics at her Art School's orientation week when she was a graphic design student.

    Tuesday, August 31, 2010

    "I'll be fine" - An expose into the personal fears of Au Pair Jennine

    Bad Bunny is delighted to bring you a list of the ten fears distinct to the imagination of Au Pair Jennine. You may or may not be aware of the fact that our delightful, if somewhat eccentric Au Pair harbours many an irrational and inexplicable fear, the list of which follows.

    It is with much pleasure Bad Bunny discloses this wealth of information, as not only does it make him giggle in a devilish manner to bring to the public attention the Au Pair’s foibles, but it also supplies him with many a weapon with which to torture said Au Pair when she, of course, least expects it.

    1. The sight of ducks on a pond fills Au Pair Jennine with horror. No, she is not frightful of our quacking floating friends, but more so the thought of small children throwing pieces of torn bread to them with gay abandon. It is said bread, upon hitting the water and becoming heavy and sodden with liquid that makes the lovely Au Pair quake in her wellies.
    2. Au Pair Jennine has a distinct dislike for the word ‘moist’. Bad Bunny delights in mentioning the word with a regularity that could be deemed cruel. He is particularly fond of reciting recipes from Delia Smith’s Book of Cakes, as Delia oft describes cakes using just such an adjective.
    3. Although one may find Au Pair Jennine of a particular intelligence not to be scoffed at, where she gleens her wisdom from remains somewhat of a mystery, given she cannot bear to touch, let alone read, newspapers.
    4. Au Pair Shannon has some serious concerns over the childhood of Au Pair Jennine. She fears there may be hidden some very dark and demented secrets, for Au Pair Jennine has an inordinate fear of wire coat hangers. Could they have been an instrument of torture brought upon her in her early years?
    5. Although an Au Pair of most English of origins, Au Pair Jennine finds porridge abhorrent.
    6. Although a lover of all creatures great and small in a most James Herriot of manner, Au Pair Jennine cannot tolerate, nor indeed understand affections towards guinea pigs.
    7. Most odd in the vehemence she feels toward him, Au Pair Jennine holds with great disdain that dashing Glaswegian, Sir Sean Connery. Nanny believes it may have something to do with his untoward advances to herself in her younger years which has tainted the Au Pair’s opinion.
    8. Beloved by millions around the world, Au Pair Jennine fails to understand the appeal of synchronized swimming. She finds the concept not only a tad touched, but actually believes it to be an evil cult brainwashing the innocent minds of nubile young girls.
    9. Au Pair Jennine has a habit of reeling with horror at the sight of a mascara brush, let alone lipliner and lipstick. The idea of make-up strikes fear in her heart and sends a shiver down her spine. Needless to say, she strides through the cosmetics section of John Lewis at a cracking pace.
    10. Affection of any form sends Au Pair Jennine into cold sweats, and is highly discouraged. Needless to say, Bad Bunny takes great delight in bestowing cuddles, kisses and much hair stroking upon said Au Pair.
    STOP PRESS by Au Pair Jennine: In my defence,Delia Smith is a little "too perfect" and her love of the word "moist" is not normal. I did once own a lipstick but I left it in the car on a hot summers day and have never had the chance to buy a new one. What went down between myself and Sir Sean is not for public discussion....let's just say a kilt does not necessarily maketh the man. Lastly, who, in their right does not find this disturbing:

    Wednesday, July 14, 2010

    Bad Bunny convinces Nanny on the benefits of celebrity

    Bad Bunny has what one might call a rather wide streak of narcissism....
    Although he considers himself oft misunderstood and therefore the target of many lectures about the values of modesty, humility and reserve from Nanny. 

    Whyever not should one have his likeness cast in bronze and displayed in the village square for all to admire and adore? 

    And who is to say that an autobiography of the heroic adventures of one handsome buck would not make stimulating and breathtaking reading.

    So,  in an attempt to convince Nanny of the positive spin that can be put on a life lived in the fast lane with much glitz and glamour, Bad Bunny put together a series of points to upsell his desire for fame and celebrity.

    1. Everything in a world of glamour seems to acquire soft blurry edges and lots of little sparkly stars (and Bad Bunny refutes that could possibly be from an excess of stimulation...or chocolate)
    2. When one is a celebrity, one is always, always smiling. Oh, and one has lovely shiny white teeth, albeit sometimes a little too large for one’s mouth. This makes it particularly easy for a Bunny to get ahead in celebrity circles.
    3. Being a celebrity means people give you lots of free stuff. That has to be great in anyone’s books, Nanny.
    4. Bedtime is an obsolete concept. One never, ever is told to go to bed, and one can sleep all day if one wishes.
    5. One gets to “hang out” and “slap backs” with other celebrities, and become BFF (whatever that means). Bad Bunny thinks they really mean BBF (Bad Bunny's Friend).
    6. One can say really dumb things like “I didn’t know buffalo had wings” and people find it amusing, if not totally endearing.
    7. One can record a pop song, even if one is tone deaf, and some technician can make it sound like one is really terribly talented. Bad Bunny's first single "Paper and scissors rock" is yet to be released. He originally wanted to do a cover of "Come on baby light my fire" but his penchant for matches made this an unsafe choice.
    8. One can make a really cool pop video for said pop song and it can be played on MTV and millions and millions and billions of people will watch it and adore one from afar. 
    9. One can win an MTV award for said pop song and video, and become even more famous. And then one can wear lots of really cool gold jewellery and big diamond stud earrings.
    10. Oh,and people give you lots of free stuff. 

    This blog is dedicated to Dannii Minogue and her new wee bairn Ethan. Her decorum and modesty as one deemed a "celebrity" is to be admired. Nanny Pickle and the Au Pairs are delighted she has taken to our beautiful collections with such gusto, and look forward to seeing the lovely Ethan sporting many more of our designs.

    Sunday, June 6, 2010

    10 things Bad Bunny now knows about retail.

    Bad Bunny, with much newly acquired wisdom, brings you the top ten lessons he learnt whilst accompanying the Au Pairs on their retail jaunt last month.

    Bad Bunny now considers himself quite the sage in matters of all things retail, and in selling ones wares to the discerning public. The Au Pairs, however, beg to differ, but unfortunately are unavailable for comment at this time. They can be found locked in their respective rooms with a damp flannel across their worried brows. Bad Bunny is not quite sure why they are refusing to speak to him.

    1. It is unacceptable behaviour to “borrow” babies in prams in an attempt to lure their mothers into the Nanny Pickle store.
    2. It is unacceptable behaviour to wheel clamp said prams whilst mothers are in the store, in an attempt to keep them from leaving.
    3. “Upselling” does not actually mean sneaking more items in the bag with other purchases nor does it mean harassing people deemed to be tall in order to sell them your wares.
    4. Whilst working in shopping centres, one must not joy ride on trolleys. It is not only dangerous, particularly on down ramps in car parks, but it appears to upset trolley boys.
    5. One must never, under any circumstances, repeat the Au Pairs private conversations to fellow shopkeepers, particularly when those conversations are about the fellow shopkeepers diabolical choice in attire, and their penchant for tattoos that they will inevitably regret later in life.
    6. Although it may have seemed like a good idea at the time, stealing trolley boys ocky straps in an attempt to turn them into bungee ropes so as one can bungee through the centre atrium only leads to very angry trolley boys. 
    7. Endeavouring to expand the public’s cultural mind by hijacking the central Personal Announcement System and becoming “DJ for a Day” is not tolerable conduct and is contrary to Centre Management’s Code.
    8. Locking the Au Pairs in the storeroom overnight is deemed a punishable act. Punishable too is repeating the words uttered by said Au Pairs once they were discovered by Centre Security.
    9. Asking large ladies when they are due requires discretion and forethought. Not all large ladies are indeed “with child”.
    10. Trolley boys do cry….especially when you hide the keys to their little trolley tractors.
    For all those shoppers, trolley boys, fellow shopkeepers, security staff and sundry; Nanny Pickle profusely apologises for the errant behaviour of Bad Bunny during his time at Indooroopilly Shopping Centre. Be rest assured that the nervous tic you may or may not have developed will subside.

    Kind Regards,
    The Nursery Staff.

    Thursday, April 22, 2010

    10 things you wanted to know about Nanny Pickle but were too afraid to ask.

    The Au Pairs are delighted to bring you a list of the ten things you may have always wanted to know about Nanny Pickle but were afraid to ask (she can, after all, put up quite a dauntingly strict fa├žade).

    We bring you this scintillating list on the condition that you promise on your weathered bible to never disclose to another sole the contents herewith.
    1. Nanny does actually vacation in Ibiza, and on occasion takes the company of one of the many young and English challenged locals of the manly persuasion.
    2. Nanny likes to take a tipple of gin or medicinal whisky most nights after Bad Bunny has been put to bed. On the rare occasion, she awakens from her comfortable armchair, glass in hand, in the wee hours of the morning.
    3. Nanny has a real fondness for Au Pair Jennine(the ratbag element of the Au Pair pair), although she would never disclose this.
    4. Nanny finds Au Pair Shannon just a little fastidious and stuffy. She takes great pleasure in disclosing this at any given opportunity, however secretly congratulates herself on creating a suitable replica of her own glorious person.
    5. In her early days, Nanny took flying lessons with the dream of becoming the first female fighter pilot. Upon learning women could not be accepted into the flight squadron, she wrote a letter to the then Prime Minister pointing out the exploits of her heroine, Amelia Earhart, and labeling him a jingoist and dullard.
    6. Nanny’s music of choice is the oft-misunderstood Nana Mouskouri.
    7. Nanny, although not prone to vanity, does indeed shave her legs, though only to below the knees. You see, although it could be deemed the practice of conceit, there is nothing more unattractive on a lady of maturity than a dark pelt of leg down.
    8. Through the acquaintance of Au Pair Shannon, Nanny found herself in the position of meeting the venerable Sir Sean Connery. Much to Nanny’s chagrin, Sir Sean tried without result to endear himself in a most humiliating manner to Nanny and although she tried to explain her celebrity attractions ended with Sir Michael Parkinson, he insisted on pursuing her with gifts and poetry. Not that Nanny wished to be seen as a social snob, but he had after all married (and divorced!) an Antipodean woman, and he himself was from Glasgow.
    9. For a brief period in the sixties, Nanny experimented with skirts that ended above the knee. Although modest by the current times standards, the fashion whim ended when Twiggy became so incredibly commonplace, and therefore just a touch peasant.
    10. Although one should be entitled to love whomever one wishes, Nanny could never quite forgive Prince Charles for his dalliance and subsequent nuptials with Camilla Parker Bowles. Firstly, she never understood a double barreled surname, and secondly, frankly, Nanny believed she looks like she belongs in Charles’ stables, not his stately home. 
    If you have any other questions regarding Nanny Pickle please leave them in the required fields below...not that we approve of idle gossip mind you.

    Thursday, April 8, 2010

    How Bad Bunny came to be involved in building a shop.

    One may find it hard to believe but Bad Bunny is glad that Easter is done and dusted for another year. It is much to Bad Bunny’s annoyance that at this time of year a certain “other bunny” of rather advanced years takes centre stage and, at least in his mind, rains on his parade.

    For although Bad Bunny does indeed have a weakness for anything made with cocoa beans, he would be a much happier Bunny if the aforesaid “other bunny” would just hippity hop off the side of the planet. (Bad Bunny refutes the theorem that the world is round, by the way. How on earth does one not roll away if it is, indeed, round?)

    So, in an attempt to draw attention away from the bearer of chocolate treaties, and back to where they rightfully sit - with he - our maker of much mischief excelled himself by causing all sorts of bedlam and mayhem.

    "Wholly" Thursday saw Nanny finding Mr Kennington, Nanny's long suffering gardener, entangled in a series of carefully camouflaged booby traps and dig-outs that had indeed been set in an attempt to capture the “other bunny”.

    Mrs Harris, Nanny's long suffering neighbour on the eastern boundary, was very surprised to find Bad Bunny at her front door with a petition calling for the ban of said "other bunny". Of course, the petition only held the signature of one small relatively illiterate Bunny.

    We will go without mentioning Bad Bunny's attempt to sabotage the "other bunny's"  performance at the local shopping mall. Let's just say that small Bunnies do indeed know how to pull plugs from power points.

    Au Pair Jennine, bless her, without much forethought decided the best way to guide Bad Bunny away from his mischiefs and towards pursuits deemed useful and constructive was to allow him to assist in the design and construction of various shopfittings for Nanny Pickle’s first pop up retail space.

    Yes, your eyes do not deceive you. Nanny Pickle is about to launch her inaugural retail space in Brisbane at a time not so very far away. All her lovely collections will be available for purchase, and the delightful Au Pair Jennine and rather shy Au Pair Shannon will be on hand to assist.

    Bad Bunny, after “creating” a complete schmozzle of the shopfittings will unfortunately not be available to sign autographs. He is currently sitting on top of the Box of Contemplation, contemplating his carpentry skills (or lack thereof).

    Nanny Pickle's pop up store will open at Indooroopilly Shoppingtown in Brisbane on May the 3rd. After four weeks we will be taking our wee store all over the country. Oh my giddy Aunt - Two Au Pairs, one pop up shop and an errant but lovable Bunny on a national road trip....what could possibly go wrong?

    Now if only we could discover what Bad Bunny has done with the staple gun....

    Tuesday, March 23, 2010

    Nanny Pickle on the importance of etiquette.

    Nanny Pickle is a woman of high morals and ethics. She is firm but fair and in her eyes the world would be a better place if people just showed some plain old fashioned good manners. 

    She is also a firm believer in the inherent (if oft hidden) goodness of Bad Bunny. She truly believes nurturing and discipline will result in a Bunny of the highest calibre.

    Although frustrating at times, and a true test of her patience, Nanny appreciates that Bad Bunny’s mischief is purely a result of a creative imagination. According to Nanny, said creative imagination is something to be encouraged, for no great thinkers or artists ever developed as a result of a stagnant mind.

    On the other hand, despite the fact it is important to develop imagination and creativity in young charges, it is also just as important to set boundaries and strictures to develop a rounded and compassionate Bunny, with the necessary social refinements to engage with Bunnies across all cultures and backgrounds.

    And so Nanny Pickle and her trusted Au Pairs work tirelessly to instill in Bad Bunny the finer points of social etiquette. Whether it be curtailing his natural ability to ‘pop off’ at the most inopportune times, namely on the tram as he accompanies Nanny on her way to the market, or his delight in blowing raspberries while still masticating his morning porridge, the Au Pairs and Nanny correct, cajole and coax Bad Bunny to find the necessary refinement to curb his enthusiasm for all things disgraceful. 

    To make your life with your Bunny sans social faux pas, Nanny Pickle has designed the gorgeous Signature Flocking Collection of infantwear featuring all a Nanny, or indeed, a Mummy needs know to steer her charge in the direction of plain old fashioned good manners. Because, as everyone possessing any politesse knows: "One never eats soup with one’s hands".